A Conversation with Abigail D'Agostino, RN BSN MBA
Some people spend their careers trying to postpone the inevitable. Abigail D’Agostino, RN, spent hers learning how to make peace with it — and then writing the book that every caregiver, every family, and frankly every human being deserves to read before they ever need it.
After more than twenty years in medicine — from intensive care units to the quiet, tender work of hospice and palliative care — Abigail has sat with hundreds of families at the hardest crossroads of their lives. She has also witnessed something rarer and more beautiful: families who showed up prepared, who had the conversations nobody wanted to have, and who gave their loved ones the gift of a death that honored the life lived.
That is what Die Better® is about. Not morbidity. Not dread. But the radical, loving act of getting ready — so that when the time comes, what remains is presence, not panic.
I kept seeing the same experiences repeatedly — patients and families suffering and overwhelmed, not because their situation was hopeless, but because they simply weren’t educated or prepared. After seeing this at the twenty-year mark, I wanted to put something together and share my lessons learned.
On a personal note — I ended up getting sick, hospitalized, and burnt out, with multiple metabolic, cardiac, and early menopause diagnoses. I had to take a full year off work. I left my role with thirteen medications and daily reminders of what’s wrong with my body. I wanted something more to come out of those twenty-plus years. That’s what this book is.
My reference point in life has mostly always been death, so I don’t feel right taking myself or life too seriously. When you feel an intimacy with death and the finality it brings, you tend to find humor in many of life’s situations. While humor can be woven into many cases, maintaining sensitivity is important — it may not always resonate with people who are in the depths of pain and grief.
The whole death topic can be heavy — so it was really important to me to ensure it was digestible, not overwhelming, hence the daily format. After 31 days, a caregiver will feel more confident navigating the decline and death of their loved one — and even their own death. That last part came from some of my readers, which I found profound.
Healing is always possible, even when our physical body is declining and dying — and this healing can be quite profound.
— Abigail D’Agostino, RN · Die Better®Frankly, I got tired of the guy in the long black cloak. I wanted to bring more life to death — to think of death as a cool, wise auntie. Those cool, wise aunties are some of the best people we have in our lives. She is by your side with her own unique style, teaching you things about yourself and the world. She creates value and meaning within life by making everything temporary.
She is here not only at the end, but the whole time while we are alive — so why not get to know her a bit more?
When we talk about healing in disease, we often mean “curing” — fixing the physical illness. Eventually, with serious and chronic conditions, curing is no longer possible. This leaves us feeling hopeless and powerless. But we are not only physical beings. We have emotional, mental, and even spiritual aspects of ourselves. These aspects start to take center stage when we are in the midst of physical illness.
Healing is always possible, even when our physical body is declining and dying — and this healing can be quite profound.
Some days will not seem like enough — and this is something we need to normalize. I am tired of the narrative that caregiving is noble and self-sacrifice is admirable. I wish caregivers didn’t have to be so burdened. I wish their situation was different. I want them to have time for quality rest, to introduce joy into their moments. If you are a caregiver reading this — I am thinking of you, and I want things to be different for you.
People avoid talking about death because it makes death feel more real. The irony is that it is always real — we are all, 100%, going to do it. Because we know this is going to happen, we can plan for it. When we talk about it and plan for it, we are driving our energy toward our life, its quality, and our agency. This is a significant act of love. Not just for you, but for the ones you love.
The services that are still most underutilized are palliative and hospice care. Palliative care is a medical specialty focused on managing symptoms — and anyone living with a chronic or serious illness would benefit, ideally from the moment of diagnosis. Hospice is for people who are terminal or have a limited life expectancy, and it focuses on all aspects of the person — physical, emotional, mental, and spiritual. As our specialists would say: all hospice care is palliative, but not all palliative care is hospice. Nobody should die without the right medical care — and that’s hospice.
That you have agency over this vulnerable time in your life. Over how you die and how you live until you get there.
Die Better® by Abigail D’Agostino, RN
A 31-day companion for caregivers and families navigating serious illness, decline, and death — with honesty, compassion, and even a little humor.
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