20+

Years in Healthcare

10+

Years as a Registered Nurse

1st

Death Doula on National Doula Cert. Board

🌍

Training Doulas Worldwide

"My work is shaped by what I call my 'dying self' — the perspective that reminds me life is limited and therefore deeply meaningful. When we face death honestly, we learn how to live more fully."

— Kacie Gikonyo, RN

1. You've spent nearly two decades as a nurse walking alongside people at the end of life. Was there a particular moment or patient that turned that work into a calling and eventually led you to found Death Doula School?

While I'd spent years caring for people at the end of life as a nurse, the COVID-19 pandemic was the defining moment that changed everything for me.

During the pandemic, I watched people die isolated from the people they loved. Families were separated. Fear was everywhere. The healthcare system was overwhelmed, and so were the people working within it. I found myself repeatedly drawn to the bedside. While there were countless nursing tasks demanding my attention, I often found myself choosing to sit with dying patients, hold their hands, talk to them, and simply be present.

It was during those moments that I realized I was being called to something more. Families needed support that extended beyond medical care. They needed education, guidance, advocacy, and someone who had the time to sit with them through uncertainty. When I discovered the role of the death doula, it felt like I had finally found the missing piece. Eventually, that led me to found Death Doula School, where we've now helped train death doulas around the world.

2. You describe your "dying self" as a kind of compass. Can you unpack what that means, and how it actually shows up in your everyday choices?

My dying self is the version of me lying on my deathbed looking back on my life. I ask myself often: What would she want me to do? What would she regret? What would she be proud of?

That perspective changes everything. It reminds me that time is finite and that none of us are promised tomorrow. When I have a difficult decision to make, I try to make choices that my dying self would thank me for. It helps me prioritize meaningful work, quality time with my family, and experiences that align with my values rather than living according to fear or other people's expectations.

"I wish more people understood that dying is not a medical failure. It is a natural part of life. When families know what to expect, fear often gives way to understanding."

3. So much of your mission is about demystifying death. What's the biggest misunderstanding families carry into the end of life, and what do you wish more of them knew sooner?

The biggest misunderstanding is that death is always painful, traumatic, and frightening.

While some deaths are difficult, many people die peacefully. Families are often shocked by normal parts of the dying process because nobody has ever explained them. Changes in breathing, increased sleep, decreased appetite, visioning, and reduced responsiveness can all be normal.

I wish more people understood that dying is not a medical failure. It is a natural part of life. When families know what to expect, fear often gives way to understanding, and they're able to be more present with the person they love.

4. This series is called Heart of the Home, and so much of dying still happens — or could happen — at home. What does a peaceful, dignified end-of-life look like in a home setting, and how can families help create it?

A peaceful death looks different for every person.

For one person, it may mean a room full of family sharing stories. For another, it may mean quiet, dim lighting, and a beloved pet curled up nearby. The key is understanding what comfort means to that individual.

I encourage families to think beyond medical wishes and create what I call a sensory-friendly death plan. What music should be playing? What scents bring comfort? Who should be in the room? What atmosphere feels peaceful? When families are intentional about creating an environment that reflects the person's values and preferences, the experience often becomes far more meaningful and comforting for everyone involved.

5. A lot of people still don't really know what a death doula does. How would you describe the role, and why do you feel this generation needs a new wave of them?

Most people think a death doula simply sits bedside and holds someone's hand in the final days of life. While that can be part of the role, it's only a small piece of what we do.

Death doulas provide education, emotional support, end-of-life planning, legacy work, family support, advocacy, and guidance through difficult conversations. We help people prepare, not just for death itself, but for everything that comes before it.

I believe this generation needs death doulas because we've become disconnected from death. Many people have never witnessed someone die until they're suddenly responsible for caring for a loved one at the end of life. Death doulas help bridge that gap by bringing knowledge, support, and humanity back into the experience.

"Hospice supports the body. Death doulas support the human being — and everyone who loves them."

— Kacie Gikonyo, RN

6. As both an RN and an educator, you bridge clinical care and deep humanity. Where does the medical system tend to fall short at the end of life, and how does a doula fill that gap?

Healthcare does many things exceptionally well, but it was not designed to provide continuous emotional support, help families process grief, or spend hours discussing fears, hopes, regrets, and meaning.

Doctors, nurses, and hospice teams often have limited time and large caseloads. Death doulas complement the medical team by focusing on the human experience. We help families understand what's happening, prepare for what's coming, and navigate the emotional, practical, and spiritual aspects of dying.

I often say that hospice supports the body, while death doulas support the human being and everyone who loves them.

7. You're also a mom to three boys, and you've said that role shapes your philosophy. How has motherhood changed the way you think about death, and how do you talk about it with your own kids?

Motherhood has made me more aware of how precious and fragile life really is.

My boys have always known what I do, and we've talked openly about death in age-appropriate ways. I don't want death to be something they fear or avoid discussing. I want them to understand that grief is normal, love doesn't end when someone dies, and conversations about death are ultimately conversations about life.

Being a mother has also reinforced my belief that our greatest legacy isn't what we own or accomplish. It's how we love people while we're here.

8. After all these years at the bedside, what have the dying taught you that you didn't expect to learn?

They taught me that almost nobody wishes they had worked more.

They taught me that relationships matter more than achievements. That forgiveness matters. That presence matters. I've watched people reflect on their lives, and the things that rise to the surface are rarely money, titles, or accomplishments.

Most importantly, they've taught me that life is happening right now. Not when we lose the weight, make more money, retire, or finally feel ready. Right now. The dying have taught me how to live.

"Life is happening right now. Not when we lose the weight, make more money, retire, or finally feel ready. Right now. The dying have taught me how to live."

9. You encourage people to "love harder, speak truth sooner, and make choices our dying selves would be proud of." For a reader who's never given any of this much thought, what's one small thing they could do this week to live more fully?

Spend ten minutes sitting with your dying self.

Imagine you are at the end of your life looking back on this season. What would matter? What wouldn't? What conversation needs to happen? What dream needs to be pursued? What burden can be set down?

You don't need to overhaul your life overnight. You just need to take one step in the direction your future self would thank you for.

10. For someone moved by this conversation — a family facing a diagnosis, or someone feeling called to this work — where would you point them to learn more or take a first step?

For families, start by having the conversation. Ask your loved ones what matters most to them. Not just medically, but personally. Those conversations are some of the greatest gifts we can give one another.

For those interested in becoming a death doula, learn everything you can about dying, grief, communication, and compassionate presence. The field needs knowledgeable, well-trained individuals who are willing to walk alongside people during one of life's most vulnerable transitions.

You can learn more about my work, Death Doula School, The Death Doula Collective, and my upcoming book Laboring Out of Life at www.DeathDoulaKacie.com.

Connect with Kacie

Follow her work and continue the conversation:

Trusted Connections

Family Caregiver Resources

A curated directory of specialists who support caregivers, families, and the aging journey — people we trust, resources we believe in. From end-of-life planning to daily care support, our Trusted Connections directory was built for families like yours.

About the Author

Kevin Lambing, CDME is the CEO and founder of EnhDme, a retail DME and home-care hardware distributor based in Columbus, Mississippi, and a nationally recognized voice in family caregiving. He is the author of Swipe Right On Care and a two-time presenter of the National Caregiver of the Year Award at the Home Care Association of America.