The Unhired Help: Grit, Grace, and the Realities of the "Current Assignment"

I’ve spent years working with caregivers across the country, and if there is one thing I’ve learned, it’s that caregiving is not a one-size-fits-all occupation. It is a spectrum of sacrifice that looks different for everyone. Recently, while scrolling through social media, I stumbled across a voice that stopped me in my tracks: Bernadette.

I was immediately drawn to her determination, her grit, and her unflinching honesty. She doesn’t offer a sugar-coated version of life behind closed doors; she offers the truth. Bernadette’s story is hers alone, yet it echoes the experiences of thousands of family caregivers who are often seen but rarely truly heard.

This is Bernadette’s story.

The Nostalgia of the Silent Generation

Bernadette’s parents are members of the Silent Generation, born in small Alabama towns and shaped by the Great Depression and the Jim Crow South. They were part of the Great Migration to Cleveland, Ohio, where they built a life many romanticize today: 66 years of marriage, a stable career at the post office, and a family home.

But for Bernadette, that “nostalgia” came with rigid expectations. “I was the 80s, ‘I want my MTV’ generation,” she says. “There were naturally clashes, and a lot of the times those clashes were over gender.” Whether it was running track or pursuing a Master’s at Harvard Divinity School, Bernadette’s life was defined by a defiant determination to be more than what her traditional upbringing prescribed. At 14, she knew she was leaving.

The Return: “Our Regularly Scheduled Program”

The freedom ended when Alzheimer’s disease — which Bernadette says runs through her family “like water” — began to take hold of her mother. After her mother lost her way home from the hairdresser, Bernadette spent three years commuting between Delaware and Ohio before finally moving back into her childhood home in 2018 to provide full-time care.

Life as a Family Caregiver: “The Unhired Help”

Bernadette’s daily routine is a masterclass in multitasking. Rising at 4:00 AM to squeeze in exercise and coffee, she spends her day juggling a full-time remote job in healthcare with the physical and emotional demands of elderly care:

Despite this workload, the hardest part isn’t the physical labor; it’s the emotional weight. Bernadette describes herself as the “unhired help” — a term for family members expected to forgo their own lives, finances, and mental stability without complaint.

Portals of Holiness

While the relationship remains difficult, the journey has revealed what Bernadette calls “portals of absolute holiness” — moments of raw vulnerability where the history of conflict fades away.

“There are moments in my father’s frailty where I have had feelings of complete compassion,” she recalls. “Actually having to clean and bathe him for the first time… that is a moment I would say is memorable.” These brief windows of grace don’t erase the resentment, but they provide the spiritual fuel to continue the “assignment.”

The “Current Assignment” and Looking Ahead

Bernadette finds her resilience in her faith and a pragmatic mindset. She views this period of her life not as a permanent sentence, but as a “current assignment.”

With her daughter and a lifelong friend as her support system, Bernadette has “formally tendered her resignation,” planning to transition her duties by October 2026 to focus on her own healing and travel.

“I hope my experience is a pathway and a showcase of what caregiving really looks like,” Bernadette concludes. “We need a healthcare system that supports caregivers so it doesn’t wreck people’s finances, relationships, and well-being.”